


Dove Niente Potrà Farmi Più del Male

by Talvenhenki



Category: Star Trek: Picard
Genre: Accidents, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, The crew is basically a family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 08:33:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23468461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talvenhenki/pseuds/Talvenhenki
Summary: The little steps Agnes Jurati and Cristóbal Rios take to become whole again.
Relationships: Agnes Jurati/Cristóbal Rios, Emmet | La Sirena's Emergency Tactical Hologram & Cristóbal Rios
Comments: 58
Kudos: 65





	1. The Marks on Your Skin

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to keep my happy AU happy but I'm not very happy at the moment so I decided to make a collection of a bit more painful stories to deal with my own feelings. Story name from Fabrizio Moro's Portami Via
> 
> Warnings for chapter 1: self-harm, also mentions of Vandermeer and a suicide attempt

She couldn’t breathe. The lights were way too bright and she could feel her heart hammering in her chest like a little bird trying to break free. Emil would activate at any moment. He would wake Cristóbal who was sleeping soundly in his bed while Agnes was hiding in the bathroom, trying to hide the signs of her own distress. The captain would wake, see her for what she was (a liar, a murderer, a coward, a madwoman), and throw her in the brig. Did La Sirena even have a brig?

Cristóbal groaned, half-awake, scaring Agnes who winced. The cut on her side stung as she moved. She couldn’t stop hyperventilating as she tried to pick up the shard of glass she carried with her so she could hide it. She couldn’t let Cristóbal see her weakness. She had managed to hide it so well under her little top, only marring her sides and never her arms.

“Agnes?” Cristóbal whispered, sounding every bit asleep as he should have been. “Wh…what time is it? Is something wrong?”

“ _It is 1:17 A.M., Captain Rios_ ”, the computer answered rather unhelpfully.

“Lights. At 33%”, Cristóbal muttered. Agnes stood up and hastily pushed the bloodied shard of glass into a drawer as Cristóbal made his way towards her. He looked like he would fall asleep at any second, so maybe he wouldn’t notice what Agnes had done?

Agnes tried to smile, but it was probably more like a grimace. She couldn’t let Cristóbal notice, couldn’t remind him of Captain Vandermeer – Raffi had told her about him – couldn’t _hurt_ him after he’d been so kind to her. She wondered if she could somehow get her hands on a dermal regenerator and use it so that Cristóbal wouldn’t notice.

_(Of course she couldn’t. Captain Rios wanted his wounds to scar, so he wouldn’t keep a dermal regenerator in his room.)_

“Is something wrong, Agnes?” Cristóbal asked softly. He cupped Agnes’ cheek stroking it gently, all too gently. Agnes leaned her face against his hand, feeling suddenly light-headed, and touched her side. It was damp, why on earth was it damp? Agnes looked down at her fingers, coated red with blood.

Cristóbal drew in a sharp breath. “Activate the EMH. Emil. _Now!_ ”

Emil materialised next to Agnes and immediately told Cristóbal to pull Agnes’ top up enough for Emil to see the cut on Agnes’ side. Cristóbal did as ordered and helped Agnes to lie down with her head resting on his legs. The floor was cold, so cold, but the captain’s legs radiated warmth. Agnes’ heart still felt like a little bird trying to feel itself from a cage and her breathing wasn’t much better.

“Must have cut a vein on accident”, Emil muttered as he used the dermal regenerator to close the cut on Agnes’ side. “Agnes. Can you hear me? Can you tell me what happened? Where did the cut come from?”

“Tried to feel”, Agnes breathed. “Got – got out of hand. Didn’t mean to.”

Cristóbal was stroking Agnes’ cheeks. She couldn’t see his face as he was staring at the bathroom wall, but she could feel his hands shaking against her face. She had reminded him of Vandermeer after all. Stupid, stupid Agnes! Why did she always end up hurting those she actually cared for?

“I’m sorry”, she whispered. She reached up to stroke Cristóbal’s cheek, to try to comfort him, but he caught her hand before she could. He enveloped her hand and kissed it while he ran his thumb against her knuckles.

“It might be more comfortable on the bed”, Emil said quietly.

Cristóbal nodded and picked Agnes up almost effortlessly. He carried her to the bed but instead of placing her on it, he sat down and held her against his chest. He was trembling and could only stroke Agnes’ arm to keep himself grounded.

“You should lie down”, Emil said, surprising Cristóbal enough to jostle his shoulders. “I’ll stay here for a while, monitor you. You’ll both be fine; I’ll do my best to help you. I’ll wake you if you have nightmares.”

Cristóbal nodded as he lay down, still holding Agnes against his chest. She wanted to cry, to scream, to apologise for hurting him like that. She was a terrible person; she shouldn’t have existed in the first place. Cristóbal would be so much happier, had she never crossed paths with him.

“I’m sorry”, she breathed, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Chris, I’m so sorry!”

Cristóbal kissed her forehead and stroked her cheek. “Did you…did you want to…go?” he asked softly.

Agnes shook her head furiously, her eyes full of tears. “No, never. I wanted to feel, to know I still exist because everything was wrong! There was too much light, and the floor was too cold, and I just tried to feel but I cut too deep. I’m so sorry.”

“Agnes, sweetheart”, Emil said, having sat down on the bed, “you have nothing to be sorry for. You are in pain and you tried to deal with it. I’d like to talk to you tomorrow about different virtual therapy programs we have and try to find you a suitable one. Just rest tonight. Tomorrow we’ll try to make you feel better, okay?”

Agnes nodded and, before she could stop it, she felt a sob escaping her throat. Another followed, and Cristóbal hugged her with what force he had left. He kissed the top of her head and sniffled.

“I’m here, _querida_ ”, he whispered, pulling Agnes closer. “I won’t let any harm come to you. We can fix you, or at least try our best. I don’t…I don’t want to lose you.”

Cristóbal’s voice was rough and if Agnes had looked up, she’d have seen how red his eyes were and how close he was to breaking down as well. The only thing that was keeping him from doing so were the lights in the bathroom, and the small bloodstain on the floor.

“I love you, Agnes”, he whispered. “I love you.”

Emil wished he could fix the two people on that bed. If anyone deserved to be whole again, he was sure it was them.


	2. Comfort in the Sickbay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agnes and Emil discuss therapy options. Enter Soji and Elnor and a broken ankle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently this will be chronological! I haven't written a chronological multi-chapter fi in god knows how long so please bear with me because I have no idea where this will go!
> 
> Contains mentions/implications of self-harm so tread carefully if it makes you feel bad!

“How are you feeling, Agnes?”

It was the morning after the horrible night after Agnes had cut her side too deep and hit a vein. She was sitting in the sickbay with Emil who was running some scans on her while trying to make small talk. Unfortunately, it was failing miserably, as Agnes was completely unable to speak of her emotions. She could only tap her fingers on the desk in the rhythm of Morse code and hope that Emil could understand it. She stared at him, trying to will him to understand her tapping. _Horrible. I’m useless and powerless. I hate myself._

“You’re not useless, Agnes”, Emil whispered. He placed his hand on Agnes’ shoulder and looked deep into her eyes. “You are ill and in pain; that does not make you useless or powerless. We’re here to make you better. Now, do you need anything before we begin?”

“A hug”, Agnes said. Her voice was rough from all the crying and panicking from the night before. To add insult to injury, her throat was so sore it felt like it was on fire, but she wouldn’t tell Emil about it. She thought that she deserved the pain.

Emil sighed and hugged Agnes, much like an older sibling hugging their little sister. Agnes was grateful to whomever had written Emil’s code, because he rubbed her back just like her mother had done when she’d had her heart broken for the first time ever and she’d cried her eyes out.

“Better?” Emil asked as he let go of the hug. He was still holding his hand on Agnes’ shoulder and looking deep into her eyes. When she nodded shakily, he smiled and patted her back.

“Now, we don’t have a comprehensive psychotherapy program on board, but I could modify another program for you”, Emil said, activating a holoscreen and showing some options to Agnes on it. “I think this therapy program would be best for you –” some words Agnes didn’t quite understand appeared on the screen “– since it’s aiming to open emotional locks. That should help you to regain some of your ability to talk about your feelings. What do you think?”

“I think it could help”, Agnes answered. She wasn’t sure if that was the correct answer or if Emil wanted to hear it. In fact, she wasn’t sure of anything anymore. She just wanted to be done with it and spend the rest of the day in bed, curled up under the blanket.

“Do you want to try the program?”

Agnes didn’t answer. She had thought that she wanted to, but she couldn’t be sure if that was just her wanting to get rid of Emil faster. She knew she needed to get better, but she wasn’t sure if the program was the best way. She looked at her knees for a moment and then back at Emil.

“I won’t get anywhere unless I try. Let’s do it.”

Emil nodded and began an instruction of the therapy program’s usage and what Agnes should expect from it. He looked very apologetic when he explained that Agnes had to be in the sickbay to use the program, but she brushed it off. Coming down to the sickbay every week for a session would build a rhythm. She really needed it.

Just as Emil was helping Agnes to begin the first session, the doors opened and Soji walked in, helping Elnor. He was grimacing and he refused to put any weight on his left foot.

“Emil?” Soji asked, “can you help us? Elnor hurt his ankle and we don’t know how to fix it.”

“Sure”, Emil said and helped Elnor on the biobed. “Can you wait until I fix this, Agnes?”

Agnes nodded. She’d found that she liked it when she could drown her thoughts in the low chatter of other people. It was especially comforting to listen to Elnor’s speech; something in his odd way of using verbs made Agnes feel calm. Maybe the oddness was a reminder that she wasn’t the only imperfect person on board. Agnes closed her eyes and listened. The low chatter filled the sickbay, easing Agnes’ heart. She was safe with the others.

“Why are you in sickbay as well?”

Agnes opened her eyes and looked up at Soji. She was tilting her head and looking at Agnes curiously. Agnes tried to smile at her, to look okay but Soji didn’t seem convinced. She sat down on the chair that Emil had occupied before her arrival and grabbed Agnes’ hand.

“Is something wrong?”

Agnes closed her eyes and sighed. Soji was so good at noticing the little details.

“I’m not feeling good”, Agnes whispered. She was treading dangerously close to the line between the things she could and could not say. “My mind is not doing good. Emil is trying to help me with it. I have to stop doing things that are bad for me.”

“Like hurting yourself?” Soji asked. When Agnes’ eyes widened, Soji looked apologetic. “I’ve noticed it”, she explained, “you hide it well, but I notice details. Like the way you hiss when something touches your side. Or the way you allow hot water to burn you. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything.”

Agnes shook her head. “It’s alright”, she said quietly. “I was hoping no one noticed, anyway.”

Soji looked sad and hugged Agnes. Agnes returned the embrace, tapping a Morse-coded message on Soji’s back to comfort her. _It’s alright._ Soji hugged Agnes tighter and rocked from side to side.

Soon another pair of arms enveloped Agnes as well. Elnor was hugging both Agnes and Soji, and Agnes was fairly certain that he was sniffling. Warmth filled Agnes’ heart when she realised that Elnor was sad for her. He was such a kind soul trying to navigate a cruel world. Agnes wrapped an arm around Elnor’s back to give him some comfort as well.

“Thank you”, Agnes breathed.

“I’m not in-butting this time?” Elnor asked cautiously. Agnes smiled and shook her head.

“No, you’re not. This is good.”

Emil soon cleared his throat to make his presence known once more. He kindly asked Elnor and Soji to leave so that Agnes could have some privacy during her therapy session. When they looked reluctant to go, Agnes shook her head and smiled fondly.

“How about we have some ice cream or cake when I’m done?” she asked. “You can ask the others to join us too. I’ll be getting better. I promise.”

Both Elnor and Soji looked very uncertain but they left, eventually. When the door closed, Agnes sighed and sat back down on the chair. She’d never have imagined the kids being so protective of her, not after her fuckups.

“Looks like they think they need to protect you”, Emil said, grinning at Agnes.

“I know”, Agnes mumbled. “I just don’t want them to get upset seeing me unhappy. They’re so young; they shouldn’t see more pain than what they’ve already seen. I don’t want to make them unhappy.”

“Well, let’s get this done”, Emil said, “we don’t want you missing the cake.”

“No, we don’t”, Agnes agreed. “Would you like to join us? I’ve programmed some holographic coffee and tea options for you guys. I’d like to hear your opinion on them.”

Emil beamed. “You have _no_ idea how much I need that coffee”, he said.


	3. Head Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agnes falls down, Cristóbal panics, Emmett is helpful
> 
> About in that order

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent way too much time translating that Spanish and I hope it's right. After this I'll try to give Cris and Agnes a break because they deserve it, for real.

Emil’s treatment plan for Agnes had worked just fine for a few weeks. She had been happier, and she’d had noticeably more energy; she’d even smiled and hummed for real for a few times. Cristóbal had begun to believe that she was doing good enough to not have Emil on high alert every time she went to the sickbay or when she had a nightmare and woke up.

That had been a mistake.

That morning, Cristóbal woke up to a sound of something hitting one of the shelves near the bathroom. Cristóbal, still half asleep, turned around the check on Agnes who had spent the night with him and, to his horror, saw her side of the bed empty. Cristóbal shot up and looked around the room only to see Agnes on the ground. It was too early for them to be up – perhaps around six A.M. – and Cristóbal couldn’t understand what she was doing on the floor.

Cristóbal rushed to Agnes to check on her. She was breathing normally, but there was a gash on the side of her head. He touched her cheek and throat to find a pulse, to find something. His hands shook but he did find a pulse which reassured him a little.

“Emil!” Cristóbal called. “Emil, I need you in my room! _Now_! Agnes is hurt!”

“What is the – bloody _hell_!” Emil exclaimed as he materialised behind Cristóbal. He knelt next to Agnes, checking her vitals. “She must have hit her head falling down. What on earth was she doing up?”

“I don’t know”, Cristóbal breathed. “Fix her. Please.”

“I will”, Emil said and placed his hand on Cristóbal’s shoulder, offering whatever wordless comfort he could. He then held Agnes’ shoulders securely and said, “two to beam to the sickbay”, and then he was gone and so was Agnes.

For a moment, Cristóbal didn’t move. Then he stood, quite abruptly, and began to search his room for alcohol. He knew he had a bottle somewhere and he needed it more than ever. His whole body was shaking, and he was distantly aware of not wearing a shirt. Everything was wrong, wrong, wrong and he needed a drink. Curse his luck that Raffi had stopped drinking so he couldn’t go ask her for a drink.

Eventually he found a bottle in a cabinet and he took it out, smiling victoriously. He’d been right. He opened the bottle but before he could take a nice, long swig from it, someone grabbed it from his hand. Cristóbal let out a cry of frustration and anger and turned around, only to meet his own eyes.

No, they were Emmett’s eyes.

“ _No_ ”, Emmett said softly. His eyes were full of grief, Cristóbal’s grief, as he put the bottle down. “ _No puedes hacerlo. Agnes no está muerta; va a esperarte cuando se despierta. No puedes olvidarte en el alcohol. No puedes hacerlo cada vez que alguien se lastima. No voy a tolerarlo._ ” (No. You can’t do that. Agnes isn’t dead. She’ll be waiting for you when she wakes up. You can’t lose yourself to the alcohol. You can’t do that every time someone gets hurt. I won’t allow it.)

Cristóbal stared at the hologram. How dare he? How dare he say such things, as if he knew anything Cristóbal had gone through?

“ _¡_ _Cállate_ _!_ ”, Cristóbal yelled, shoving Emmett backwards. “ _¡No sabes nada! No sabes qué pasó con Vandermeer; que pasó con Agnes. No somos la misma persona; ¡no sabes nada de lo que me pasó!_ ” (Shut up! You know nothing! You don’t know what happened with Vandermeer; what happened with Agnes. We aren’t the same person; you know nothing of what happened to me!)

Cristóbal tried to shove Emmett again, to hurt him, but Emmett dodged. He managed to catch Cristóbal into an embrace, one arm tightly around his torso and one hand holding the back of his neck. Cristóbal struggled, tying to push him away, but Emmett was stronger. He hushed Cristóbal, hoping to soothe him even a little.

“ _Respira, Cristóbal_ ”, Emmett whispered, “ _respira. Todos está bien. Todos está bien. Estoy acá. Emil va a curar Agnes y todos estará bien. ¿Me oyes? Todos está bien._ ” (Breathe, Cristóbal, breathe. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. I’m here. Emil’s going to cure Agnes and everything’s going to be okay. You hear me? Everything’s fine.)

“ _No puedo respirar_ ”, Cristóbal muttered, shaking all over. “ _No podía ayudar a Agnes; no podía ayudar a Vandermeer… ¡No puedo ayudar a nadie! Soy un imbécil incompetente…_ ” (I can’t breathe. I couldn’t help Agnes; I couldn’t help Vandermeer… I can’t help anyone! I’m stupid and incompetent…)

Cristóbal’s legs gave out and he fell onto his knees, dragging Emmett down with him. Emmett shushed him and rubbed his back, trying almost desperately to calm him. He’d seen Cristóbal lose himself too many times to the grief and he wouldn’t let it take him again. He just couldn’t. He was the only hologram who knew Cristóbal’s pain so intimately, he was the one who’d seen Cristóbal break over and over again when the pain became too much for him to bear. He couldn’t let that happen again.

Cristóbal was hyperventilating and tears were rolling down his cheeks. Emmett pushed him to lean forward and began to speak to Cristóbal in English, knowing that Spanish had been the language Cristóbal had used with Vandermeer after Vandermeer had killed the synths. Emmett slowly managed to get Cristóbal to breathe normally again and helped him to sit up.

“I’m going to leave the room, take that bottle of alcohol away, and come back with Spot II”, Emmett said, holding Cristóbal’s shoulders and looking into his eyes. “Think you can be alone that long?”

Cristóbal nodded, still trying to catch his breath. He was a sorry sight, shirtless and with the tear tracks on his cheeks. Both his hair and beard were a mess and he looked paler than usual. When Emmett was gone, Cristóbal slowly stood up to fetch himself a sweater. He liked the prickly feeling of the wool against his chin, liked the way it grounded him. He sat down on the floor after finding himself a sweater and hugged himself.

Emmett soon returned, carrying Spot II. He placed the cat on Cristóbal’s lap before sitting down himself, and said, “do your magic, _amigo mío_.” He then looked at Cristóbal, studying his face as Spot II purred and gently headbutted his chest.

“I checked in with Emil”, Emmett said, “and he told me Agnes is alright. She woke up and told him that she’d tried to use the bathroom and she’d tripped over something and hit her head. She’s fine.”

Cristóbal seemed to deflate. He let out a long breath and laughed almost hysterically. He tugged at his hair to ground himself and looked at Emmett to make sure that he was telling the truth.

“Can I go see her?”

Emmett nodded and helped Cristóbal up and they made their way down to the sickbay. Emmett had to support Cristóbal, seeing as he was still trembling rather violently. Spot II followed them, clearly wanting to see Agnes as well. Sometimes Emmett thought that Spot II was smarter than it let on.

When they reached the sickbay, Cristóbal immediately rushed to Agnes who caught him in an embrace. They both laughed – Cristóbal rather wetly – and held each other for some time. Emmett brought Cristóbal a chair so that he could sit down while holding Agnes. He then walked to Emil who was watching over Cristóbal and Agnes.

“ _Tenía un ataque de pánico_ ”, Emmett muttered to Emil. They stood shoulder to shoulder, both frowning. “Can you do something for them? I’m tired of seeing them in pain.”

“I’ve been trying but clearly I haven’t been looking after the captain enough”, Emil muttered back, looking at his captain who was cupping Agnes’ cheeks and pressing little kisses around her forehead and temples. “I’ve been rather preoccupied over Agnes because of her trauma response. She’s still too suicidal.”

Meanwhile Cristóbal was stroking Agnes’ cheek and holding her hand. She had already explained to him how her feet had caught up with something they’d left on the floor and how she’d tripped over it, all while giggling at her own clumsiness.

“I’m sorry for scaring you”, she whispered, “is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“Recovering would be a good idea”, Cristóbal said, kissing Agnes’ temple once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm off to bed now but please guys, please tell me what you think about this!!


	4. An Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the anniversary of Vandermeer's death. The holodeck malfunctions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a canonical non-graphic suicide depicted in this chapter, so proceed with caution!

The holodeck doors slid open quietly as Agnes approached. The ship’s computer (an absolute darling, really) had located Cristóbal in the holodeck and Agnes had decided to join him. She wasn’t going to let him suffer from the memories. Not when Agnes was there. She wouldn’t let the ghosts of past decisions, the ghosts of ibn Mājid, to hurt Cristóbal. He’d told her what had happened on his previous ship, parts of it, and after months spent on _La Sirena,_ she knew his habit of upsetting himself when he was already feeling terrible. In that way, they were alike – she sought out upsetting things as well.

Agnes had to stifle a gasp when the doors opened to a star ship’s ready room. Vandermeer’s ready room. Cristóbal was sitting on the floor, a cigar in his mouth, deep breaths – most likely forced, Agnes thought absentmindedly – creating puffs of smoke. His gaze was empty, and expression strained. Agnes walked over to him and sat at his side.

“I’m here”, she whispered. She held his hand and hoped it would help. “You don’t have to be alone.” After a moment of silence, she continued, “Raffi told me about today. We all want to help, to make it easier for you. You really don’t have to suffer alone.”

Cristóbal’s breath shuddered and he squeezed Agnes’ fingers. He was still looking far away, but at least he acknowledged her presence.

“He was like a father to me”, Cristóbal breathed, “the closest thing I ever had. He and his husband Konrad were like family to me. I stayed over at their place more often than I can count and they sometimes joked they’d better adopt me. I wished so often they would. I had no one else.”

Agnes brushed her arm against Cristóbal’s. He had never really spoken up about himself to Agnes. She knew what had happened to him and she knew who he was, but not who he _had been_. Although he did allow himself to be vulnerable around her, he still mostly looked after Agnes, tried to cure her.

It wasn’t fair. She wanted to help him too.

“I thought I would miss him less, now that his name is cleared and all”, Cristóbal said, shaking his head. “Turns out the pain is even worse this year. I know why he killed them, and I know –” a shallow, shuddering breath “– I know that he killed himself because of what I said. It’s as good as if I’d pulled the trigger myself!”

Agnes hugged him. The cigar had burnt down, and it was on the ashtray that Cristóbal had next to himself. He was trembling, the pain shattering his heart once again. He’d had to lose one father as a young boy, and then the universe had decided to take away his father figure too. The pain truly was endless. Cristóbal pressed his face against Agnes’ hair as the tears started their way down his face. Agnes rubbed his back as he sobbed silently.

“You didn’t pull the trigger”, Agnes whispered hoarsely, “you didn’t kill him. You tried to correct the injustice that Starfleet had made him commit. You are not at fault. You never were.”

Agnes’ throat was on fire. In her mind, she cursed Commodore Oh’s mind-meld and the side effects that made her unable to voice her emotions and comfort others. She wanted to comfort him, to make the pain disappear. She hated seeing him in pain, much like he hated seeing her powerless against Oh’s curse.

Cristóbal whimpered as he shook his head. Agnes held him closer, humming softly.

“I will stay here”, she promised, “right with you. I won’t leave you alone, not as long as I have any say in that.”

Cristóbal pulled away far enough to look at Agnes’ face. “Thank you”, he whispered, smiling tearfully. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Agnes’, drawing strength from her. They stayed like that for a while.

After they’d opened their eyes and hugged each other again, the ship swayed. Cristóbal pulled Agnes closer to keep her from falling down and hurting herself. The turbulence did not go on for long, but the atmosphere on the holodeck changed when _La Sirena_ straightened herself.

“Computer”, Cristóbal called, “status report!” When the computer gave no answer, he frowned, and called it again.

“I wonder if we hit a space anomaly”, Agnes muttered and stood up. “I think I could check the computer from inside the holodeck. Do you mind?”

“By all means”, Cristóbal said and followed Agnes to where the console should have appeared on command. Except it did not appear. Agnes tried different commands, even different languages but whatever she did, the console wouldn’t appear. Not even commanding the computer in Spanish or singing _Arroz con Leche_ could get the console out. Cristóbal was growing more and more agitated every minute.

As they were trying to get the console out, the door slid open. Not the door to _La Sirena_ , no, but the door to _ibn Mājid’s_ bridge. Cristóbal turned around, horrified, when a younger version of himself marched in, dragging an old man behind himself.

Alonzo Vandermeer was in his ready room. Cristóbal slid down onto his knees, looking at himself and Vandermeer wearing those expressions of horror Cristóbal had hoped he could forget.

“ _How could you?_ ” the holographic Cristóbal asked in Spanish. “ _How could you? They were diplomats, looking to forge a relationship with a new species! This is not the way of Starfleet!_ ”

The real Cristóbal raised his hands over his mouth. He was trembling violently, and Agnes dropped onto her knees by his side. She cupped his cheeks and turned his head around to look at her, to keep him from reliving his worst memory.

“Look at me”, Agnes said, getting Cristóbal’s attention to herself, “just look at me.”

“ _Cristóbal, you don’t understand_ ”, Vandermeer said, sounding distraught, “ _the Starfleet command told me they were a dangerous species. That I would have to kill them, or they’d destroy the whole ship. They were evil, Cristóbal, looking to destroy humanity!_ ”

“ _You’re lying!_ ” the holographic Cristóbal roared. There was pure rage in his voice, Agnes noticed, and he looked both young and horrified. “ _Starfleet is not like that! It would never destroy its own vessels! There’s always a note, a message, something to warn vessels of dangerous species! Why didn’t we get one for them? This has to be a lie, a cruel joke. You’re not a killer, captain. Please tell me you’re not a cold-blooded killer…_ ”

The holographic first officer looked desperate. It was as if his world had been shattered cruelly and he was trying to scramble it back together. Which was what he was doing, really.

The real Cristóbal looked stricken. He trembled violently, and his eyes were locked with Agnes’. He knew what would happen, which made him feel no better; he dreaded the next moments more than anything.

“ _You’re right, Cristóbal_ ”, Vandermeer breathed, looking down at his hands. “ _I am a killer. But know this: I did it to keep you alive, my dear boy…_ ”

The holographic Cristóbal looked at Vandermeer with horror as he picked up the phaser from his belt. “ _What are you doing, pops, stop –_ ” a phaser blast made the real Cristóbal’s shoulders jolt “ _– no, no, no, NO!_ ”

The real Cristóbal closed his eyes and slowly took Agnes’ hands into his. He looked at the scene in the middle of the room, at Vandermeer’s corpse and the younger Cristóbal who had fallen down in shock.

“Computer”, the holographic Cristóbal called, “activate the emergency hospitality hologram.”

A neat-looking young man with golden hair flickered into existence next to the holographic Cristóbal and smiled pleasantly at him. “What sort of assistance do you require, commander Rios?” the man asked, mispronouncing Cristóbal’s surname.

“I…I need you to wash off that blood”, the holographic Rios breathed shakily, trying to keep himself in check. “And transport the body to the morgue. And…get me a bucket, please.”

The real Cristóbal shook his head and squeezed Agnes’ fingers. The holograms flickered out of existence and the holodeck returned to normal, to being just a room of _La Sirena_. The door – the real one – opened, revealing Ian, Emmett, and Raffi, who all looked worried. Cristóbal looked up, shaking, and faced them. He soon had an armful of Emmett who’d rushed to hug him.

“ _Lo siento_ ”, Emmett whispered against Cristóbal’s shoulder. “ _¡Lo siento, mi capitán! Lo siento…_ ”

“How’re you doing, captain?” Ian asked as he walked over as well. “Do we need to call Emil? I don’t ken what happened, but you don’t look too good.”

“I’m fine”, Cristóbal breathed, shaking his head, “I’m fine.”

He pushed Emmett away and began walking towards his room. His movements were mechanic and he wasn’t paying much attention to his surroundings. Agnes hurried after him, followed by Raffi. Cristóbal was clearly trying to reach his room before shattering, and Agnes wasn’t going to let him be alone and in pain. When they reached Cristóbal’s room, they found Mr. Hospitality there, having cleaned it up. For a moment Cristóbal could only stare at him before he lunged at the hologram.

“You!” he shouted, grabbing Mr. Hospitality’s collar, and shaking him. “Why did you just obey me and smile like everything was alright? Why didn’t you report me? You just washed away the blood and dumped him in the morgue, you useless hologram! _WHY_?”

“Chris, sweetie”, Raffi said, placing her hand on Cristóbal’s shoulder. “Take deep breath. Please.”

Cristóbal took a ragged breath and let go of Mr. Hospitality’s collar. He curled and uncurled his fingers as he sat down on the edge of his bed. Mr. Hospitality knelt down in front of him and placed his hand on Cristóbal’s knee.

“Emmett told me”, he said, “he told me everything. That hospitality hologram was a malfunctioning piece of trash who didn’t even know to alert the sickbay of a psychiatric emergency. You were not at fault; you were too young to witness that kind of a horrible death.”

A soft breath escaped Cristóbal’s throat and he bowed his head so that no one besides Mr. Hospitality could see his face. He tried to keep his breathing even, but he had nothing he could do to hide his tears. “I’m sorry”, Cristóbal whispered.

“Apology accepted”, Mr. Hospitality said and patted Cristóbal’s knee. “Now, I will go get Emil to look after you. In the meantime, I expect you to look after yourself. And please, stop blaming yourself for things you did not do.”

Cristóbal nodded and soon Mr. Hospitality was gone. Agnes was instantly at Cristóbal’s side as he slid down on the floor and she hugged him. Raffi replicated some coffee for Cristóbal who accepted the cup, grateful to have something to do with his hands. She sat down next to him and sighed.

“We can stay with you”, Raffi said softly. “We can’t take the nightmares away, but we can stay with you. We can remind you that it’s in the past now and you’ve survived.”

Cristóbal nodded and blinked away the tears. “Thanks”, he muttered hoarsely. “I think I’ll be fine with Agnes, though. I don’t want to keep stealing you from Seven. I’ll be just fine.”

Raffi nodded and squeezed Cristóbal’s arm. “I’ll stay with you two for a bit, though. I have news on Elnor and the synth cat.”

Cristóbal and Agnes listened to Raffi’s story, grateful to have something to lift the mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments will be cherished!!


	5. Reconnecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cristóbal has a heart-to-heart with Vandermeer's husband while Agnes sleeps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted some fluff and a father figure for Cris, okay?
> 
> No proofreading, we die like men

It was night. Agnes was asleep, hugging Cristóbal who hadn’t slept for long. Sleep just wouldn’t come to him. The things that had happened earlier that day were still coursing through his mind, not letting him relax enough to fall asleep. Which was fine. Cristóbal had gone longer without sleeping, really, so it wasn’t a big deal. It annoyed him, though, not being able to sleep. Why was it that some people could just close their eyes and fall asleep almost instantly when it took others hours and possibly a sacrifice to a god to get a few hours of that blissful unconsciousness?

He didn’t blame Agnes for that – she had just as much difficulty as Cristóbal to fall asleep. She’d suffered her fair share of nightmares and a bit more.

Cristóbal sat up, placing a free pillow behind his back. Agnes let out a sigh in her sleep and snuggled a little bit closer. Cristóbal didn’t mind. He smiled fondly and combed some stray curls away from Agnes’ face. He then picked up his padd and started scrolling through his messages. It was the anniversary of Vandermeer’s death, so there should be…right, Konrad had sent Cristóbal another message.

Like he’d done every year after Vandermeer’s suicide, Cristóbal wondered if it was really wise to open the message. He’d never, never replied to Konrad. He’d never been able to bring himself to face Konrad. Not after delivering him the news of Vandermeer’s death.

But then again, Cristóbal had the habit of upsetting himself. And so, he opened the video message.

“ _Hello, my dear boy_ ”, Konrad said on the screen. He’d gone greyer. And he had wrinkles, so many wrinkles. Cristóbal wondered if Vandermeer would have had that many wrinkles, had he lived. “ _Can you believe it’s really almost been nine years? It still feels like yesterday when you showed up at our doorstep, pale and shaking. You wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, and you only stayed for long enough to tell me Alonzo was dead and that you’d been discharged. Starfleet only just told me why._ ”

Cristóbal covered his mouth. _They’d told Konrad?_

“ _You blamed yourself, didn’t you?_ ” Konrad asked softly. He looked so kind, so horribly _heartbroken_ and yet so kind, that it felt like a cold hand had grabbed Cristóbal’s gut. “ _My dear boy, it was never your fault. I would never in my life blame you for something Alonzo chose to do. You didn’t pull the trigger; it had been that order from Starfleet that made him do it. One should not speak ill of the dead, but I must. Alonzo chose the easy way out and hurt both of us in doing so. I don’t blame you, Cristóbal, I never would. Please call me; I’d love to hear your voice, to see your face again. You’ve always been like a son to me._ ”

The message ended. For a moment, Cristóbal could only breathe through his nose as he tried to understand what Konrad had just said. Whatever he had been expecting, it had not been Konrad’s forgiveness and him asking Cristóbal to finally call him back.

“Computer”, Cristóbal called hoarsely, “What’s the time?”

“ _It is 4.27AM, Captain Rios_ ”, the computer answered.

“And what’s that in Amsterdam time?” Cristóbal asked. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep that was making him feel braver, feel strong enough to actually call Konrad after all those years of simply listening to his messages but never replying…

“ _In Amsterdam, it is 10.27AM, captain._ ”

Right. Konrad had always been an early riser, so half past ten wouldn’t be too early. In fact, Konrad would probably already be planning the lunch. Or second breakfast. He had always had hobbit instincts, Vandermeer had joked. Cristóbal couldn’t stop a smile forming on his lips. If anything, Konrad definitely was a hobbit; he made everyone feel safe and cared in his home.

Cristóbal dialled the Vandermeer home computer. If Konrad was out, then it wouldn’t make much of a difference. But Cristóbal hoped he was home, hoped that he could apologise once more. He hoped that Konrad would not hate him, even though it had been Cristóbal’s fault entirely that Vandermeer had taken his own life.

“ _Hello, Konrad Vandermeer speaking._ ”

Cristóbal’s heart missed a beat. Konrad had answered. It took Cristóbal a moment to find his words and his strength to speak up. He had dreaded the moment for years, as he had not spoken with Konrad after delivering the news of Alonzo’s death.

“Hi, Konrad”, Cristóbal breathed, “it’s me. Cristóbal.”

“ _My dear boy!_ ” Konrad’s smile seemed to light up the room. “ _It has been so long, Cristóbal. Oh, I’ve missed seeing your face. I see you grew yourself a real beard. It was about time, if I’m being truly honest. It suits you._ ”

Cristóbal smiled. Konrad was still himself. “You asked me to call. You said Starfleet had told you what really happened to…to Alonzo. What did they really tell you? I’m sorry if I don’t trust them much right now.”

“ _I completely understand, after the things they did to you_ ”, Konrad said, his expression growing solemn. “ _They told me that a spy had infiltrated Starfleet security and classified the species you encountered as dangerous. This spy sent Alonzo a subspace transmission ordering to kill them. According to Starfleet you confronted him, and, in his guilt, he shot himself. Is that not what happened?_ ”

Cristóbal rubbed his eyes. It wasn’t a lie, exactly, but they’d left out quite a bit. Like the part where Cristóbal had accused Captain Vandermeer of being a murderer, which actually set Alonzo off. They’d forgotten to tell Konrad that Cristóbal had been the one to cause Alonzo all that guilt.

“ _They also told me it caused you to get discharged_ ”, Konrad added. “ _You suffered a trauma and never got treated for it. I was told it included immense guilt over Alonzo’s death, that you felt you were responsible for it._ ”

“I _was_ responsible for it”, Cristóbal said. He was squeezing his free arm, trying to ground himself. “I accused him of being a killer; _I_ was the one who broke him! If I hadn’t said those things, he might not have shot himself!”

Agnes mumbled something in her sleep and pressed herself closer to Cristóbal. It was heart-warming that even in her sleep, she wanted to protect Cristóbal. He pulled her closer to himself and brushed his cheek against her hair.

“ _It wasn’t your fault_ ”, Konrad said softly. “ _I cannot blame you for it. Your world was shattering the moment he killed the synths. You just tried to make sense of that horrible situation. Alonzo was always like that, taking criticism too personally. You couldn’t have predicted the outcome._ ”

Cristóbal looked at Konrad, wondering how he could explain to Konrad that no, he was wrong, that Cristóbal _was_ guilty of killing Vandermeer. He was fighting to keep his breathing even, to not lose himself in front of Konrad.

“ _No, don’t even think of that_ ”, Konrad spoke. “ _You did not pull the trigger; you did not kill him. That’s all that matters to me. You can’t blame yourself for something Alonzo did to himself. If you can’t stop blaming yourself for your own sake, do it for mine, or for that person you’re hugging. Please, stop punishing yourself, my boy. Alonzo’s deeds are not on you._ ”

After a moment’s hesitation, Cristóbal nodded. Konrad let out a teary laugh and smiled proudly at him.

“I can’t promise not to have my moments of weakness”, Cristóbal breathed. His eyes were misty as he looked at Konrad. “I can’t promise I won’t hate myself for what happened. I will try not to, but I can’t make those promises right now. I…I still see his face when I sleep. I…when they cleared ibn Mājid’s records and Alonzo’s name, they offered me trauma counselling. As if that would help, after all these years!”

Konrad expression grew solemn once more. “ _You must not lose hope, my dear boy. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to blame yourself, but if I’ve learnt one thing in my life, it’s that things like that do help, even after a long time has passed. Never lose hope, Cristóbal. You deserve to be happy too._ ”

Cristóbal nodded slowly. It was, of course, difficult to change one’s mind so suddenly, but he decided to try. It couldn’t hurt, he thought, to try and find happiness if others believed he deserved some. And he did have a small piece of happiness sleeping right next to him. He looked at Agnes and smiled fondly. He wasn’t sure how she’d wormed her way into his heart but damn, he was glad she had.

“ _Now, Cristóbal_ ”, Konrad said, “ _who is that sleeping next to you? As your almost father I must know._ ”

Cristóbal laughed, surprised. He’d once jokingly brought a boyfriend over when he’d been visiting Alonzo and Konrad and they’d tried to intimidate the poor guy for hours, with only a little success. The relationship hadn’t lasted for long, but those few months had included some of the happiest memories Cristóbal had.

“She’s Agnes”, Cristóbal said softly. “We’re…I don’t know what we are, but I like her. A lot. She makes me happy and I hope I could do the same for her. The last few months have been tough for us.”

“ _You must bring her over when you’re on earth the next time_ ”, Konrad said, smiling at the sight. “ _And the rest of your crew too. I want to get to know everyone. I could arrange a dinner party for us, I’ve plenty of food here at home._ ”

“Good to know you’re still a hobbit”, Cristóbal said, laughing. “It was good to talk to you. Thanks for listening to me. It means a lot.”

“ _Thank you for calling me. We must do this more often._ ”

Cristóbal nodded and bid farewell to Konrad who ended the call. For a moment, Cristóbal was lost in his thoughts, but soon he lay back down next to Agnes. He rested his forehead against hers and sighed.

“You are very, very dear to me, Agnes P. Jurati”, Cristóbal whispered. “I hope you know it, sweetheart.”

Agnes sighed and snuggled closer to Cristóbal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I _should_ have been sleeping an hour ago but I wrote this
> 
> Please let me know what you think of it!


	6. Elastic Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cristóbal feels like he's stretched too thin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got inspired by SIA's Elastic Heart and this chapter happened. Only light angst this time because our lovelies need a break every now and then

He could do it. He could stay awake through the night, like he’d done before. He could avoid the nightmares, the memories, everything that made him shaky and his chest feel like it would burst. Cristóbal Rios wouldn’t close his eyes, because that would surely break something in him, and he wasn’t sure he would be able to fix himself after the something broke. If he’d close his eyes, the memories would overwhelm him and he’d be left gasping for breath, clawing at his chest.

Agnes sighed and snuggled closer to him. She had fallen asleep at his side, talking about the stories they’d heard as children. She looked peaceful at his side, as if his body could protect her from her ghosts.

Cristóbal had mixed feelings about Agnes being at his side. On the other hand, he absolutely detested anyone seeing him in pain because they _pitied_ him, and it was worse than any weapon. On the other hand, Agnes’ eyes were always full of understanding and she would listen to him, never once making him feel like he was weak for having been hurt. In that way, she was like Raffi, minus the fatalistic humour.

Agnes’ head was resting on Cristóbal’s shoulder and her arm was stretched over his torso, under his chest. She spent most nights holding onto Cristóbal like that, because apparently hugs given throughout the day were never quite enough for her.

“You’re a treasure”, Cristóbal whispered, pressing a kiss onto Agnes’ hair. Agnes smiled softly but stayed asleep.

Cristóbal looked at the ceiling again. His chest was hurting, but he was adamant to ignore the pain.

Another one had bitten the dust. Another heroic captain had died in his arms, right in front of him, and Cristóbal hadn’t done anything to prevent it. He’d just stopped on his tracks, frozen by the terror, like he’d done on _ibn Mājid_ all those years before. He’d lost another captain, and although the small woman at Cristóbal’s side had brought Picard back, the feeling of emptiness and disappointment sometimes caught him off guard.

Sometimes Cristóbal still wanted to dash into the admiral’s quarters, to see that he was indeed alive and well, but he knew that everyone would think him mad if he did so. At night, he could do nothing to soothe his heart hammering in his chest like a hummingbird trying to break free from a cage made from his ribs.

Cristóbal drew in a shuddering breath and rubbed his chest. The movement stirred Agnes who pressed her forehead against Cristóbal’s cheek. She caught his fist in her hand and stopped him from rubbing his chest.

“What is it?” she asked. He voice was rough, but, somehow, hearing it made Cristóbal feel calmer. “A nightmare?”

“No”, Cristóbal whispered, “it’s just a bad night. Can’t sleep.”

Agnes made a choked sound at the back of her throat and hugged Cristóbal tighter. Cristóbal turned his head to face Agnes and they rested their foreheads together, allowing their breaths to mix. Cristóbal squeezed his eyes shut to keep them from tearing up.

“What caused it?” Agnes asked softly. “Can I help in any way?”

Cristóbal frowned, trying to think of a way to explain without trespassing the boundary he’d set for himself. The boundary that separated the Cristóbal he wanted to be and the weak man he actually was. He didn’t want Agnes to see the darkest part of his heart.

“I sometimes fear”, Cristóbal breathed, “that, in reality, we left Picard there. That he’s gone for good. That I’ve lost another captain and that it’s only my mind keeping him alive in my delusions. That’s silly, isn’t it?”

Agnes shook her head. “No. It’s not silly at all. I sometimes fear that too. I sometimes fear that I’ve made some horrible mistake that will kill him eventually. You’re not silly at all, Chris.”

Cristóbal pulled Agnes closer. It was somewhat relieving that he wasn’t the only one fearing the worst, but at the same time he hated the idea of anyone else feeling that way. He hated being unable to make the others feel better.

“Sometimes I feel like a rubber band stretched too thin”, Cristóbal said, his voice barely audible. “Sometimes I feel like I’m going to break if I close my eyes and sleep. I’ve got a thick skin but sleeping feels like too much right now. I don’t think I can do it.”

Agnes caressed Cristóbal’s cheek. She moved a little, just enough that she could hold Cristóbal against her chest, to hide him from the world. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close.

“Then I’ll stay awake with you”, Agnes said warmly. “You won’t have to stretch yourself alone. I’ve got you.”

Cristóbal laughed, wetly. “Has anyone ever told you how awesome you are? I – I have a feeling that I just might be alright if I stay with you. Not now, but in the future. With you, I have a feeling that I can do anything.”

Agnes smiled and buried her face into Cristóbal’s wild curls. She was a bit embarrassed, unused to being praised like that.

“Do you think you could sleep if I stayed awake to make sure you didn’t have any nightmares?” Agnes asked tentatively. “I don’t want you to suffer from not sleeping. You deserve better than that.”

After a moment, Cristóbal nodded. Agnes let out a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding and squeezed Cristóbal’s shoulders.

“Oh, before you go to sleep”, Agnes said, “computer dear, could you locate the admiral for us?”

“ _Admiral Picard is in his quarters, sleeping_ ”, the computer answered immediately. Agnes smiled victoriously and kissed Cristóbal’s hair. That way, they could spend at least one night together, without worrying about their fears.

“Thank you”, Cristóbal whispered before closing his eyes and falling asleep.

That night, Cristóbal Rios did not have nightmares and if he woke up to see that Agnes had fallen asleep as well, he would only smile at her and pull the blanket up to her shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and prompts are accepted, loved, and cherished!


	7. Inherited Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emmett is in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow this ended up becoming Emmett whump??? Sort of, anyway??? I don't know why my brain produced it but here, have fun
> 
> Spanish key at the end notes!

The little doctor was crying. Emmett had activated the moment he’d sensed her distress, and she’d asked him to help her to the holosuite, to make Picard leave so she could use her own program there. She’d created a beautiful little field with ever-blowing wind and some birds singing in the distance to serve as white noise. It was her way of controlling her anxiety in moments of distress. It amazed Emmett, seeing how the doctor could stay strong even when she was in pain. He felt proud of her in a way only a lover would.

No, those thoughts were forbidden.

Emmett was, in the end, a part of captain Rios and so were his feelings. He loved Agnes the same way the captain did, but he’d forbidden himself to act on those feelings. He wasn’t the captain, not quite, so he shouldn’t confuse the poor little doctor with his own feelings. Not when she was in such pain.

Agnes lay between the tall blades of grass, hiccupping between her sobs. Emmett stroked her cheek, wiping away some stray tears. She flinched, as if she’d been waiting to be struck.

“There’s no need to fear”, Emmett said softly, holding Agnes’ hand. “I promise I’ll keep you safe as long as I can.”

Agnes nodded. She was squeezing her shirt right at her heart, perhaps to ground herself. Emmett wouldn’t know. He only knew one kind of pain and it belonged to captain Rios, not to Emmett.

“Could you…could you talk to me?” Agnes breathed. She had opened her eyes and they were glistening with unshed tears. “About anything. Your voice is calming. I…I’d like to hear you talk.”

Emmett smiled. No one had ever called his raspy, ungentle voice _calming_. The little doctor was so kind, even when she was in terrible pain.

“Ay, I could do that, _amiga_ _mía_ ”, he said, squeezing her hand. “Would you like to hear me tell the stories of the tattoos I have? Because I wasn’t the one who got them.”

Agnes nodded, almost eagerly. Emmett stroked her knuckles with his thumb.

“You see, the captain wanted to tattoo himself when he was younger”, Emmett explained, “but he only ever got around to tattooing that mermaid on his shoulder. He wanted all kinds of compasses and maps on his skin, but Starfleet isn’t exactly kind about its dress code and attitude at tattoos. So instead of getting tattoos, he dreamed and planned to get some.”

“That’s cruel”, Agnes breathed. She squeezed Emmett’s hand and shut her eyes as her breathing evened out a little bit.

“I was indeed”, Emmett agreed, “but I think they’re finally relenting. I like my tattoos well enough, although I do think they’d be better for Enoch – he’s the navigator after all!”

Agnes giggled, making Emmett feel warm inside. She was feeling better already.

“Of course, I don’t understand why he hasn’t got any new –”, Emmett began, but was interrupted by a comm line opening.

“ _¡Emmett! ¡Necesito ayuda!_ ” captain Rios called through the comm. “ _¡Viene acá!_ ”

Emmett’s eyes widened. He didn’t want to leave Agnes, but he couldn’t abandon his duty as the security hologram of the ship. After a moment’s hesitation, he activated Emil and then, materialised into the seat reserved for him.

The fight – whatever it was for – was a blur to Emmett. He could only think about how he needed to get to Agnes, how he needed to make sure that the little doctor was safe and sound. That _his_ little doctor was safe and sound.

“ _Emmett, ¿dónde vas?_ ” captain Rios asked when Emmett was halfway off his seat after the fight. “ _No te portas como siempre. ¿Ha pasado algo?_ ”

“ _La pequeña doctora está mala_ ”, Emmett muttered, “ _muy mala. Tengo que ayudarla._ ”

Captain Rios looked a bit shocked as Emmett made his way back to the holosuite. As the door slid open, Emmett saw Emil holding Agnes, rocking her back and forth, and jealousy sparked in Emmett’s chest. He knew it wasn’t right to feel so possessive over the little doctor, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to be the one to soothe her and make sure she was alright after feeling terrible for so long.

Before Emmett could do anything, captain Rios entered the holosuite. He walked over to Agnes and lifted her up, saying, “I’ve got you now, Ags”, and simply holding her for a moment. He kissed her forehead, whispering sweet nothings to her, and began carrying her to the door and out of the holosuite.

Emmett caught Agnes’ hand for a fleeting moment and squeezed it. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but he thought he heard her letting out a shuddering breath. Was it a _thank you_ , or perhaps just a relieved sigh directed at the captain? Emmett would never know for sure.

“You love her.”

Emmett turned around and his eyes met Emil’s identical ones. He felt helpless, under scrutiny, even though captain Rios didn’t know about his feelings for Agnes. He didn’t know, and he wouldn’t find out, if Emmett had any say in that. The captain _couldn’t_ know.

“I won’t tell anyone”, Emil said, “if you want to keep it a secret, it will stay so. No one will know.”

“No one _can_ know”, Emmett choked.

Emil nodded and guided Emmett to sit down on the holographic grass. They were avoiding each other’s eyes, clearly feeling uncomfortable by the dawning realisation that the holograms hadn’t only inherited the captain’s personality but his feelings as well.

“Do you think any of the others have feelings for her?” Emil asked suddenly. “I don’t think I do – I suppose my feelings for her are strictly professional – but I can’t be sure now. What if I make a mistake treating her because my feelings have clouded my judgement?”

“I don’t think the others do”, Emmett whispered, shaking his head. “If anyone does, it’d be Ian, but he’s good at keeping his feelings hidden. He got that from the captain.”

Emil nodded in agreement but stayed silent. He was clearly thinking of something, perhaps trying to come up with a solution; Emmett could see that. But whatever solution he came up with, it only made Emil shake his head.

“You really got the most difficult feelings from the captain, didn’t you?” Emil asked, sounding a little defeated.

Emmett couldn’t help but agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish key:  
> ¡Emmett! ¡Necesito ayuda! ¡Viene acá! (Emmett! I need help! Come here!)  
> Emmett, ¿dónde vas? No te portas como siempre. ¿Ha pasado algo? (Emmet, where are you going? You're not acting like normal. Has something happened?)  
> La pequeña doctora está mala, muy mala. Tengo que ayudarla. (The little doctor is unwell, very unwell I have to help her.)
> 
> _Any errors are mine; I translated all of it on the fly and I don't really know the South American Spanish as well as I should_
> 
> Comments fuel my soul!!

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment!!


End file.
